


Boys Feel Sad Too

by blue_assassin



Category: No Fandom, Original Work
Genre: Angst, Depression, Read at Your Own Risk, Song Based, Suicide, all original characters - Freeform, hopeful ending if you squint, im sorry, mentions of self harm, self hatred, this is dark, this needs to be said, written for a friend
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-23
Updated: 2020-08-23
Packaged: 2021-03-07 01:35:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,415
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26048872
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/blue_assassin/pseuds/blue_assassin
Summary: Loosely based of the song by the same name though I don't know the name of the artist cos I listened to the nightcore version.Boys don't cry, that's what everyone had told Caleb from the start. But what happens when the alternative is so much worse?
Relationships: Caleb Feltsman & Noah Mckinnon
Comments: 20
Kudos: 3





	Boys Feel Sad Too

_Dry your eyes_  


_Tough it out_  


_Laugh it off_  


_Keep it in_  


_Lock it away_  


_Don't let it show_  


_You're fine_  


_You're fine_  


_You're fine_  


  


That's what Caleb Feltsman had been taught to tell himself for seventeen years. 'Don't let people see your pain because you should be stronger.' 'Don't show weakness because you should be better.' 'Don't look sad because you should be happier.'

Iron walls, steel chains, dozens of padlocks and deadbolts around your heart, your feelings, your mind. Boys should be tough, boys should be resilient. Whining? No way. Crying? Absolutely not. Keep that weakness under lock and key and never let it out.

But locks can be picked. Chains can be snapped. And walls, no matter how strong, can be broken.

Caleb was barely eighteen when it happened. That day, he walked through the school halls as usual, he laughed with his friend Noah, he listened as his teachers droned on about one thing or another, he did everything he would on any other day, but it felt fake. It felt as if he were an actor on a stage, hitting his marks and going through a prerehearsed routine. It felt numb and pointless. _He_ felt numb and pointess.

"Hey, Caleb," Noah said as he waved an arm in front of Caleb's face, "you still in there?"

Caleb blinked slowly, then smiled and nodded, "Of course." he replied with practiced nonchalance, "Why wouldn't I be?"

Noah shrugged, "I dunno, mate. You just seemed kinda...bleh..." The blue-haired boy make a dull face, poking his tongue out of his mouth slightly.

Forcing what he hoped was a passable laugh, Caleb shook his head, "Nah, I'm fine. Just trying to remember all that stuff for the math test after lunch, yano?"

"Whatever, friendo." replied Noah, returning to the DS in his hands, "But you know you can talk to me, right? If you've got something bothering you, you can tell me. I won't judge."

Caleb nodded but, inside, he was tearing himself up. Talk about it? How could he possibly talk about this? It wasn't like he didn't want to, but he was basically an adult, for crying out loud! Boys his age didn't cry themselves to sleep at night, or watch as blood ran down their wrist from the blade in their hands, or lay in bed watching their ceiling fan and thinking maybe, just _maybe_ , they should just end it all. No one his age was this vulnerable. Only tough guys made it through in life these days, everyone knew that.

He remembered the words of his brother nearly ten years ago. Caleb had fallen of his bike and scraped his knee prety badly on the street gravel. It had hurt like hell and tears had begun to gather in his eyes as his brother had crouched down in front of him.

"Caleb," he had said, looking at him intently, "don't worry. It's just a scratch. Dry your eyes, close them tight and count to ten, take a deep breath and the pain'll be gone before you know it." 

Then he had stood, offered a hand to help him up, and that was the end of it.

Caleb vaguely remembered classes ending. He dully processed saying goodbye to Noah. He numbly took in his empty household as he made his way up to his bedroom.

_Tough it out._

Caleb pulled out the bottle of his mom's sleep medication he had nicked that morning and studied it blandly. Half a dozen pills, one mouthfull, and it would all be over. He would be free. His family was gone for the weekend, no one would know. Caleb vaguely wondered if he would be able to show emotion after he died. Could boys feel sad in heaven?

_Laugh it off._

He had tried to suppress the sadness at first, telling himself that it was just another bad day and that the only reason for it was that he was upset that Noah had beat him yet again in Mario Kart.

_Lock it away. Don't let it show._

But, try as he might, he couldn't push the darkness down. He couldn't suppress the anger, the blackness, the misery, and the tears. Because he was weak. He was weak, and so it all came out eventually in an endless tidal wave of emotion that threatened to drown and consume him daily for the past six months.

_Dry your eyes._

Tears blured Caleb's vision as he slowly opened the bottle before pulling out his phone. If he was going to do this, he needed to apologize. They needed to know. First, he wrote a message to his parents in the Notes on his phone. He said he was sorry, told them he loved them, and not to miss him too much when he was gone. Then he sent an email to Noah:  
I'm sorry. I was weak. I couldn't do it. Forgive me.

_You're fine._

Caleb dumped half the bottle in his hand, tears still falling freely down his face. He wasn't fine. No matter how much he pretended, or how much he lied, he wasn't fine.

_You're fine._

__

He brought the pills to his lips, chasing them down with water. Noah and his brother would be so disgusted if they knew how pathetic he was. He should have been able to squash it down and get rid of the sadness. But he couldn't. Because he was too weak.

__

_You're fine._

__

It took a few minutes for the pills to take effect. It started as a tingling in his gut, then a burning, and then, after a brief bout of wooziness, Caleb Feltsman blacked out forever.

That's how Noah found him twenty minutes later; leaning against his bed, eyes closed, chest still. He had seen the email his friend had sent and rushed to his house fast as he possibly could, praying desperately that he wasn't too late.

But he was. To Noah's dismay, Caleb was dead when he got there, and all because he hadn't let someone help him or tell him it was okay.

To tell him to dry his eyes because he was perfect.

To tell him that he didn't have to tough it out.

That he shouldn't laugh it off,

or keep it in,

or lock it away.

To let it show.

Because he didn't have to be fine,

but he would be fine.

He would be fine.

Because boys feel sad too. And that's okay.

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A/N: It is honestly a down right crime that people seem to think boys need to be this steadfast and imovable force 24/7. Just like Caleb, they feel pain as much as anyone else and we need to understand that as a society. This story was originally written for my good friend who has been struggling very much these past few weeks, but it really can apply to any boy who is hurting inside. If you are reading this, and you need some extra cheering, I have something for you (girls and non conforming homies can read to, but it's mostly directed at all my wonderfu guys out there)-  
Hey there, sweet boy.  


I know whatever's happening in your world is rough and you don't deserve that. Life is tough and has a nasty tendency to beat us around like jelly beans in a half empty jar, but you are strong. You are amazing with so so many hidden talents and abilites that make you the coolest human on this planet! I know you are probably shaking your head at me, but I promise I'm right. You are an unstoppable force who can do anything!!

But you don't have to do it all alone, bud. There are so many people, friends, family, teachers, coworkers, who would be devestated if you left their life. They want to help you and they want you to let your guard down for a bit so they can be the support you need. Let them in! I know how helpful it is to have someone who you can trust and confide it. And, if you really don't have someone you trust, I exist! I may be genderfluid, but I am still a boy a tad less than half the time and so I can (to an extent) understand the presure. If you need someone, please talk to me, okay? Because, like the song says, boys feel sad too, and you deserve to be able to let yourself feel that way.


End file.
